Preventing Divorce: Turning Marital Problems Into Passionate Marriage®

Sex is a system. Couples create systemic dynamics around their sexual preferences that push them to differentiate (grow sexually and emotionally), become more sexual compatible, and capable of profound intimacy and intense eroticism. This is often mistaken for sexual incompatibility, irreconcilable difference and falling out of love. Sexual boredom and conflicts over sexual preferences are natural and inevitable developments of how differentiation permeates love relationships. Sexual boredom and “sexual incompatibility” arise from the way sex relationships work: We channel our sexual expression into patterns and meanings we know how to use. Using a sexual style we haven’t developed creates anxiety. Emotional gridlock is inevitable over whose anxiety, limitations and sexual preferences will control the relationship. Your differentiation has to keep pace with your spouse’s growing importance, if you want to keep intimacy and sexual desire alive. The solution to sexual boredom isn’t new sexual behaviors; it’s broadening the vocabulary of emotions and meanings you can express through sex. Differentiation plays out through two phases in relationships: the comfort/safety cycle (where you feel secure) and the growth cycle (where you feel anxious). A healthy marriage requires balancing growth and comfort. The growth cycle promotes long-term relationship stability, while clinging to the comfort/safety cycle does the opposite. Knowing what to expect helps you turn predictable conflicts over sexual boredom and sexual preferences into powerful pathways to personal growth (differentiation), sexual desire, and the strength to love. Recorded at 1998 AAMFT Annual Conference. Running time: 2 hours.