Sexual Desire Problems: Who Wants to Want?

Approaching sexual desire as biological drive and tension-reduction behavior precludes developing the desire and passion you want: consciously chosen freely undertaken desire. The notion of developing desire never arises, if you approach sexual desire as a drive you try to satiate. Developing desire requires personal growth; biological drives don’t require maturity.

The Crucible^® Approach offers an alternative view of sexual desire, and specific ways to deal with desire problems that enhance differentiation. It shifts your focus to desire during : black;sex (passion), and desire for your partner, rather than utilitarian desire (i.e., enough to get started). Natural systemic processes of marriage create low desire. Developing and maintaining desire is a function of personal development (differentiation), which permits intense desire without fear of losing yourself. Desire as wanting and wanting makes you vulnerable,because there are no guarantees your wants will be satisfied. Poorly differentiated people don’t want to want, although they need to be wanted. Choosing your partner makes you vulnerable and conveys special standing in your life. Openly enjoying pleasure often feels like tempting fate (and your partner) to withhold. Loss and death are inherent in desire. It isn’t safe to really want until you can soothe your own fears and heartaches. Expanding sexual desire involves increased differentiation, and shifting from desire out of emptiness (horniness, loneliness, insecurity) to desire out of fullness (self-acceptance, self-soothing, self-direction). Desire changes you. Desire can be transformative, erotic, ecstatic, and a pathway to spirituality.

Recorded at 1995 Family Networker Symposium. 2 hours.